When Do Friendships Last

"Being-with-one-another in the they is not at all a self-contained, indifferent side-by-sideness, but a tense, ambiguous keeping track of each other, a secretive, reciprocal listening-in. Under the mask of the for-one-another, the against one-another is at play."

The maxim:

Don't say anything about someone you wouldn't say to their face

has long been attractive to me. I enjoy the sentiment of straight-up, no-games relationships. The idea that we are better to talk things through and come to an agreement, reconcile, and move on is profoundly and demonstrably true in my life - there is only so much resentment we can harbour before utterly exhausting ourselves. Not only that but it dispenses with the lies and deceit - there's something profoundly dishonest about those who eschew loyalty to skulk around behind people's back, sowing dissent.

I've come to have some reservations about it though. I think it very much applies to the big stuff, things that really matter that need to be externalised. But the everyday bread and butter of our relationships (in which we see each other most days) are not this at all. There are many circumstances in which we should not say things about someone to their face. And just to be clear here I am not merely talking about the fact that we shouldn't barrage someone with a permanent stream of our thoughts about their being; that much is obvious. What I am talking about is that: there are things we ought to say behind their back, but not to their face.

A huge part of successful friendships in my experience is the ability to talk about our good friends behind their back about them, bitch and moan, and come back to them the next day happy. A big part of this is, of course, the therapeutic effects of doing so - venting, expression, externalising, our discontents makes us feel better. I think you'll grant me this as an obvious and perhaps necessary ritual. But there is a more crucial part. The more profound insight into friendships in general concerning this insight is that, if it necessary as I say, there must be a secure plateau in which this practice can rest.

My thesis here is that in friendships break down into conflict when the mutual trust and security dynamic of this practice breaks down. It's totally normal to have (usually benign) problems with one's friends that really do have no business actually being heard by the friend. It is also totally normal to confide in and express these feelings to mutual friends to feel better about it all. The kind of problems I'm talking about are the transient and often unchangeable kind (People Don't Change), things that just bother us about the other that we are not looking for solutions to, just an inconsequential punching bag.

Subverting this dynamic is when friendships fray. Many hide behind the sheen of loyalty or Truth in their quest to bequeath the victim with this knowledge ("it's right that they hear this") but in many cases, told through the obscurity of the grapevine, it only succeeds in perpetuating or amplifying insecurities otherwise absent form a healthy friendship. Even if it is accurate, this righteousness, under the same principle, becomes all too often paired with malice too ("they must hear this and you must suffer for saying it").

You are not a noble messenger of truth delivering these concerns, but someone who misunderstands the dynamics that let us be able to stand each other. The unspoken knowledge that we all take issue with part's of each other's shit is a beautiful edifice to build a friendship upon. The knowledge that my close friends have some gripes with me is fine - of course they do! Just don't tell me what they are (they are my close friends for a reason).

As someone who has fewer friends but usually of much better quality than those with more, this has always been implicit in the way I relate but is really obvious to me in coming to think about it. I'm someone who makes maybe few friends (certainly enough) but always friends that last. Be cautious of a certain type of person who has a new best friend every year or seems to have too many. 

Granted these issues are not so severe or of so questionable moral character that they require it to be spoken; enjoy this mutual trust that lets us equalise to the pressures of our long-term friendships without blowing the whole thing.

"Friendship...is a matter of the mind, with our souls being purified by practising it, it can spring forth, be nourished and grow only when enjoyed" 

"If you get drunk and vomit on me, I'll make sure you get home safely

If you cross the road and a truck struck you, I'll scrape you up and reconstruct you                        I'll cheer you up if you're depressed, if you get murdered I'll avenge your death."